I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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