I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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