Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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