i think i have two assholes
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Im part way to drunk.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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