ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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