I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
