when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
