I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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