you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
