i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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