You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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