Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Randomize
