who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
