Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
