On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
