I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
