I can text with my tongue
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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