You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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