ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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