I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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