yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
