new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
high people should be assigned attendants
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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