what if every blade of grass was a penis?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
there is glitter all over my balls
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