his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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