In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
