He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
