i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
