after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Be still, my beating vagina.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize