Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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