If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
its liver damage thursday
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