nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
