Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
