I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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