i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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