Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize