There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
