So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
