Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
