there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
