i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
