Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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