Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
