we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Randomize
