Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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