you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
