Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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