i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
