Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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