I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
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