You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
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