I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
