i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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