I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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