she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
a search helicopter?!
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
