Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
