You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
