i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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