remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
