What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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