I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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